It seems sad to me that the truest thing ever said was that we all will die. Sadder still is the remaining fact that it is my only consolation. I spend so much effor on the persuasion of others to accept me when it should just occur naturally. I spend so much just analyzing and breaking down everything that happens around me when its only intent is to happen then pass us by. Am I an anomaly or am I only treated like one? Sometimes it feels like ones, other times it feel slike the other. Sometimes it feels like both....A lot of the time it feels like both... It boils down to this: I tell everyone how grateful I am for having survived my suicide attempt, when, much like the first part of this rant, the sad truth is that I've wished every second since that it had worked.
Sincerely,
Riley Joseph Murphy Vogel
P.S. I would say "Much love" but due to my inhuman nature, I suppose I'm just too devoid of it to pretend anymore.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Homecoming was last night
and, much to my surprise, I had a great time. I danced with my friend Catie, had some laughs, and had an overall enjoyable *mispelled* experience. So, beyond that, let me tell you what else has been going on: So I don't know how to feel, because Girl B (Nikki, as you can see from the convo) just dumped her bf, my friend. So now she's single, but, because she just dated my friend, I feel like she's off limits. Plus, we have our back and forth moments where we're amazing together and when she freaks out on me, although thats normal in any relationship. Anywho, just figured I'd fill you in, the story is more complex than that, but I'm tired =/
Much Love,
Riley J.
Much Love,
Riley J.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I felt the need
to make a new post on here, but don't really have anything to say. Well, that's not true, I just don't feel like sharing it at the moment. maybe some other time, but for the time being, let me talk about the following video. I don't know why, but this video made me cry. It gives me faith in humanity. Just watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Thursday, October 23, 2008
EVERYONE COMMENT AND HELP ME UNDERSTAND
So me and GirlB had a convo on facebook about what happened the other night, and by the end, it was so convoluted I don't even know what happened, so even though you probably don't know a lot of the names, try to follow along and tell me what you think. If you notice, at the end I just give in to end the feud, because I was so sick of it. (I know it's long, sorry)
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 8:19pm
For the life of me I can’t figure out why,One day you make my heart flutter and the next you’ve made me want to cryHonestly I’m giving up, losing my faith, looking at you a week ago, I was so happy I felt I’d finally met someone who I was starting to trust, now you won’t even look into my eyes,You told me I had to make a choice, and blindly I thought to myself for hours about you, and I’m not sure if I made the right choice but let me tell you something, you won’t talk to me, you won’t look at me and you definitely don’t view me as a respectable person any longer,I can live with that, it just burns me that after all and all I started to trust you, you were the first person I met since I moved I thought I could trust, and that quickly you’ve tossed me to the side, like a Christmas tree on the curb of the road, wondering what happened, decorations still hanging on it, begging to be forgiven for a sins they’ve never committed.I really do want to be your friend, with all my heart I really really do, but I understand why you are angry or upset with me, and I won’t ask you to be my friend because I know that would just be a chore for you.I’m sorry I’m even wasting your time..
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 8:29pm
no its not that.I CAN'T look at you.like I physically CANNOT.Even looking at your PICTURE makes me want to retreat to a corner of my room and be angry at everyone all of a sudden.I... I mean... I trusted you... and... you used it against me....YOU, of all people, the person I had known the least long and trusted so much...You should have heard the things I was saying about you... That night my best friend heard so much about you she probably wanted to slap me for being obsessed. And they warned me too, they told me that would happen, they told me not to trust you, and I took YOUR side, I told my BEST FRIENDS they were wrong, and that I would trust you with my life.....no longer than the very next day I had to go crawling back to them and admit to them they were right and that I was an idiot. Some of them are still angry at me for not believing them when they told me... and truthfully, part of me still can't believe it happened, still can't believe that of all people, you would lead me on...After Kristin, I thought I would never have to say this again but...you broke my heart.I'm not good with forgiving peopleand i've never been lead on like this before.NEVER.and I don't know if I'll ever get over it, honestly
Nikki Rae:
No riley I did not break your heart, if you want to blame me you may,I tried my ass off and I hear all these horrible things, someone like me thats been broken and beaten over and over again, I took the cowards way out and went with the choice that I knew couldn't hurt me,Riley I hate so much that you can't look at me when all I want you to do is confirm my fears that I made the wrong choice, you barely knew me, you still don't I want you too, but after this I doubt that it is the best choice.. I don't mean to hurt you, and if I am or if I did, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart at the top of my lungs I am so sorry,I do wish that you would have told me how you felt, but its just not a point that you can just turn back time and make it all work out with smiles and rain bows,I hope you will trust me again, because I never meant you harm, in fact I was scared, that you would hurt me and I know with all thats happened I'd never move on from another friend, family member, lover breaking me down and shaking my core,Stop pointing your finger at me, I did tell you to have feelings for me, all I was, all I have been is honest, so no I never lied to you not once not ever, I told you I love you and I meant it. I told you I was begining to trust you and I meant it to, I did at least.All I can do now is wait and see if you and I can just start over, can we be friends and try and let go of all the good and bad things that have happened, if not, then I geuss it would be apropriate for you to just tell me to leave you the fuck alone and I'd stay away and I'd never hurt you again.. I'm sorry Riley, I'd give up forever just to make you happy, and even if that means losing you then so be it, because I know you would be worth the pain, and you are worth the heart ache. So answer me, what is it you want? what can I do that is best for you? because I'll walk through fire to make you smile.
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 9:01pm
I never made you choose anything... I would never do that to you, ever.All I know, is one day I was the happiest guy on earth, all of a sudden everyone was pissed at me for it, so I tried really hard to fix it so I could still have you as my new horizon, the new part of my journey.Then, when I thought I had fixed everything, you just turned from me as if everything that had happened was just a huge lie and I was the insane one just seeing things that weren't there. Do you know what it feels like to talk to your friend about how much you like someone and how cool you think they are and how you've never felt so connected to someone as quickly as you have with that someone, then the next day, THE NEXT DAY have to go back and look like a fool in front of your friend when they ask, "wait, that girl you were talking about, isn't she going out with Hans?" Do you know what it feels like to annoy your mom talking about how amazing you think a girl is, then when she asks when you'll see her next, you have to explain that she's going out with your friend?Do you know what that feels like?! You made a fool out of me! I sincerely don't want to make you the bad guy in this, because, in all honesty, I still care about you and feel the same about you as I did just a week ago. But just as I do feel like that, I feel like an idiot for it, because no matter how you put it, you ARE at fault for this. So don't you dare try to turn it around on me, you've done enough damage on this side already.What do I want? I want to close my eyes and wish I had never been born, I want to punch a hole in my wall that opens up to a whole new world where I can be away from everyone that continuously wants to hurt me, I want to find a place where no one can touch me, not my abusive father, not my dead cousin, not girls I love and lose, no one.But I can't do any of those things, none of those things will happen. So what have I resorted to doing? I've resorted to trying my best to deal with your existence without exploding or killing myself.
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 9:17pm
Do not tell me that it was a lie, when I've never lied to you, not once,you did make me choose, to me you said, its your choice not mine but either way I will respect your decision,but you didn't. Riley, if it is my very existance that you have to deal with, then let me simply not exsist,I can't make you happy even if i want to, you can't see I won't show you, you won't listen and I won't tell.Just say it, you don't want me in your life any more,I did not make a fool of you and you know that for a fact, Hans had feelings for me before you even met me, you made Hans look like a fool and made me look like a bitch.Caroline Hannah J-mo all were so pissed when they found out I liked youand I choose hans because riley you just pressured me so hard to like him I felt backed into a corner and just ranI was the fool, you had your arms around victoria and thirty minutes later you were holding my hand, and I was pissed, I still don't feel wrong about that. I mean i felt used and lied too I basically was.I'm ok with the fact that you don't want to forgive me, or even that you won't even trust me again, im not ok with it, but if you need me too I will be..I'm so sorry Riley, you don't have to forgive me,but I am sorry, and I always will be untill you and I are ok..,
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 9:39pm
I didn't force you to make a decision, you presented me with the decision, and I told you I couldn't decide, you had to. I'm not going to argue anymore about what really happened, it's stupid. I'm not going to apologize for something I know I didn't do, I'm sorry you felt that way however. What I will apologize for, however, is that I am the way I am. I know I'm a really touchy-feely guy, I get that, and I know it's wrong, but that's just how I am, and I'm sorry you aparantly didn't understand that as well as I thought you did, I really am. The day before, Hannah came up to me and told me to leave you alone, that you were emotionally confused, and that if I hurt you, she would kill me. And, while I'm sure it doesn't matter to you now, I'll tell you what my exact response to her was:"I know I'm a manwhore, but I know damn well what I'm doing. I value what they think more than anything, and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure nothing will happen to them on my or anyone else's behalf. You just don't understand her, there's more to it than an emotionally confused girl, it's quite the opposite, she's someone who sees what's happening around her so clearly that it's driving her insane, and I can't help but feel an attatchent to want to help her and be there for her as much as I possibly can, so just believe me when I say, no harm will befall her."I wanted to protect you. She wasn't the only one either, others made similar comments, I took your side on all of them. I sincerely wanted to keep you safe, and if you feel I failed that in anyway, then I am sincerely sorry. In fact, I feel I failed that as well, because I clearly didn't understand your turmoil as well as I thought I did, and while yes, you could have told me, it isn't your fault, as it was my job to find out and I didn't.So is it your very existence I have to deal with? yes, it is, because you being there everyday reminds me everyday that I'm an idiot and I can't handle my own affairs and that people can't rely on me for anything, nor can I even rely on myself. Not only that, but I have to live with the knowledge that I had a chance, and everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong, and I didn't do anything to stop it.So yell at me all you want, at this point it doesn't matter to me any more.I am defeatedI am humiliatedI am curled up in a ball of hatred and shadows of everything I've lost in this, and at this point I just really don't want to be hurt anymore. For the most part, I've gotten over the ordeal, but even the smallest prick leaves a mark...
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 9:48pm
I'll just ask you to stop.I may be wrong here but I wasn't yelling, and I told you over and over that I dont want to hurt you and I don't want you to be sad and every single word you've said to me has just made me cry harder and harder, I hate it so much that you can talk like you know me so well and that in this one conversation I really really hate myself. I'm just sorry I wasn't good enough... If you're over then I'll leave you alone, because I can't make you feel better when it's me thats made you feel worse.you do blame me for what I did, you are mad, you aren't going to forgive me and you don't want to be my friend any more..I.. I don't even know what to do anymore..I am emotionaly confused, but not for the reasons that any of you thinknone of you have known me for long and I feel completely alone.I'm not close to anyone but caroline and I just want to go home and pretend all these terrible things didn't happen but I like it here, because I like the people here,and I I just wish that it was different.but it isn't...
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 10:03pm
okay.umm... well, for what it's worth, I apologize for trying to know you, to protect you, to love you when it was unwelcome... I will never understand what happened here, except that you got hurt, I got screwed, and in the end no one was happy. All I ever wanted was to love you, and I still do, I did back when you pierced my gaze and cared, and I've fucked all that up now. I'm sorry. I'm literally on my hands and knees apologizing to you. Yes, I was hurt, but in all this I forgot that It's you I cared about more than stupid misunderstandings or whatever. I'm sorry. I really really am. You told me more than you ever should of, and I did the same in return, the series of bad decisions on both parts that followed messed everything up and... well... I regret it.You remember when I said that I take the meaning of words very seriously, and I never say anythiing absolute without being extremely serious. I'm being absolute now: I am extremely stubborn when it comes to being wrong, and there are people who would KILL to hear this from me, but I never gave in because I usually care more about my pride and being right than I do about whatever their side of the story is, but here it is now: I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for everything thats happened here, I know i don't know you but I wish I did, more than anything. There will never be anything more than friendship between us, but all I'm aiming for at this point is to be able to trust you again, and the reverse. By all rights I should be pissed as hell at you, and probably you at me, but I'm willing to give up whatever dignity I have left to attempt to fix this, because well, since I can't love you, I care about you, deeply and relentlessly.
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 10:26pm
It.. it wasn't unwelcome just dangerously unexpected, I didn't know that the world would toss Riley Vogle into my life to try and fix all the broken and scar the hell out of me... but in this conversation I've taken that I made you look like a fool and that you're royally pissed at me and that I was wrong and that you still care but you can't love me and it's all a little to confusing..you don't know me and you never loved me.. you loved what you think I am or what you thought I could be.. I wish I could be that personbut I am nothing more than what I am. and I stand here arms wide open, and all I ask is that you give me that second chance that I never will deserve..I won't be at tech tomorrow because seeing you would kill me and I can't do it. I can't handle it right now, because there is just to much happening to me all at once and it is confusing and scary and I just want to find a cliff and jump off because as much as I want to I can't trust anyone, because things like this happen and I have to watch my own heart break right in front of me, and I may not be perfect, I may not even be decent but I don't deserve that kind of pain over something stupid,I am asking you now, not to just let it all go because it happened for a reason and for as long as we are friends whether that only lasts a week or whether it last till you graduate or whether it lasts till one of us dies this past week will always be part of our history and our friendship together. no what I am asking you is to take that dive with me into a fresh start because I had no idea what I was losing when I choose Hans, because I had no idea you actually cared, because I wasn't gratefull to have someone like you in my life, because I'm an idiot, but mostly because I really do love you.. part of me always will.
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 10:56pm
awwww. lawlzsweetie, what I loved wasn't what I knew you were or what I thought you were, what I loved laid completely in what you shot into me when your eyes connected with mine, and that was all I needed. I didn't want you to be anything but you, and could never want anything else.HA and the reason I can't love you isn't because I'm inable, it's because with all this Hans business it would just be awkward LOLI will never try to just drop what happened, hell, it was hard enough for me just to bypass it, but I'm just glad to not have to be angry with you. If it makes you feel any better, while I don't know you like I should, you do know me, down to my core. or at least you should after everything I've told you lol, but seriously, I do trust you and what I felt was more surprise than anything. I won't lie, I was upset you chose Hans, but what really upset me was that you decided to just do it, like I didn't exist. I would have thought that, me trusting you as I did, you would have talked to me and explained what you planned to do, so I would have understood, instead of having to hear from other people that you're all of a sudden going out with Hans.Anywho, thats all in the relevent past now, and I am more than willing to try a new slate, and start all over again.
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 8:19pm
For the life of me I can’t figure out why,One day you make my heart flutter and the next you’ve made me want to cryHonestly I’m giving up, losing my faith, looking at you a week ago, I was so happy I felt I’d finally met someone who I was starting to trust, now you won’t even look into my eyes,You told me I had to make a choice, and blindly I thought to myself for hours about you, and I’m not sure if I made the right choice but let me tell you something, you won’t talk to me, you won’t look at me and you definitely don’t view me as a respectable person any longer,I can live with that, it just burns me that after all and all I started to trust you, you were the first person I met since I moved I thought I could trust, and that quickly you’ve tossed me to the side, like a Christmas tree on the curb of the road, wondering what happened, decorations still hanging on it, begging to be forgiven for a sins they’ve never committed.I really do want to be your friend, with all my heart I really really do, but I understand why you are angry or upset with me, and I won’t ask you to be my friend because I know that would just be a chore for you.I’m sorry I’m even wasting your time..
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 8:29pm
no its not that.I CAN'T look at you.like I physically CANNOT.Even looking at your PICTURE makes me want to retreat to a corner of my room and be angry at everyone all of a sudden.I... I mean... I trusted you... and... you used it against me....YOU, of all people, the person I had known the least long and trusted so much...You should have heard the things I was saying about you... That night my best friend heard so much about you she probably wanted to slap me for being obsessed. And they warned me too, they told me that would happen, they told me not to trust you, and I took YOUR side, I told my BEST FRIENDS they were wrong, and that I would trust you with my life.....no longer than the very next day I had to go crawling back to them and admit to them they were right and that I was an idiot. Some of them are still angry at me for not believing them when they told me... and truthfully, part of me still can't believe it happened, still can't believe that of all people, you would lead me on...After Kristin, I thought I would never have to say this again but...you broke my heart.I'm not good with forgiving peopleand i've never been lead on like this before.NEVER.and I don't know if I'll ever get over it, honestly
Nikki Rae:
No riley I did not break your heart, if you want to blame me you may,I tried my ass off and I hear all these horrible things, someone like me thats been broken and beaten over and over again, I took the cowards way out and went with the choice that I knew couldn't hurt me,Riley I hate so much that you can't look at me when all I want you to do is confirm my fears that I made the wrong choice, you barely knew me, you still don't I want you too, but after this I doubt that it is the best choice.. I don't mean to hurt you, and if I am or if I did, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart at the top of my lungs I am so sorry,I do wish that you would have told me how you felt, but its just not a point that you can just turn back time and make it all work out with smiles and rain bows,I hope you will trust me again, because I never meant you harm, in fact I was scared, that you would hurt me and I know with all thats happened I'd never move on from another friend, family member, lover breaking me down and shaking my core,Stop pointing your finger at me, I did tell you to have feelings for me, all I was, all I have been is honest, so no I never lied to you not once not ever, I told you I love you and I meant it. I told you I was begining to trust you and I meant it to, I did at least.All I can do now is wait and see if you and I can just start over, can we be friends and try and let go of all the good and bad things that have happened, if not, then I geuss it would be apropriate for you to just tell me to leave you the fuck alone and I'd stay away and I'd never hurt you again.. I'm sorry Riley, I'd give up forever just to make you happy, and even if that means losing you then so be it, because I know you would be worth the pain, and you are worth the heart ache. So answer me, what is it you want? what can I do that is best for you? because I'll walk through fire to make you smile.
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 9:01pm
I never made you choose anything... I would never do that to you, ever.All I know, is one day I was the happiest guy on earth, all of a sudden everyone was pissed at me for it, so I tried really hard to fix it so I could still have you as my new horizon, the new part of my journey.Then, when I thought I had fixed everything, you just turned from me as if everything that had happened was just a huge lie and I was the insane one just seeing things that weren't there. Do you know what it feels like to talk to your friend about how much you like someone and how cool you think they are and how you've never felt so connected to someone as quickly as you have with that someone, then the next day, THE NEXT DAY have to go back and look like a fool in front of your friend when they ask, "wait, that girl you were talking about, isn't she going out with Hans?" Do you know what it feels like to annoy your mom talking about how amazing you think a girl is, then when she asks when you'll see her next, you have to explain that she's going out with your friend?Do you know what that feels like?! You made a fool out of me! I sincerely don't want to make you the bad guy in this, because, in all honesty, I still care about you and feel the same about you as I did just a week ago. But just as I do feel like that, I feel like an idiot for it, because no matter how you put it, you ARE at fault for this. So don't you dare try to turn it around on me, you've done enough damage on this side already.What do I want? I want to close my eyes and wish I had never been born, I want to punch a hole in my wall that opens up to a whole new world where I can be away from everyone that continuously wants to hurt me, I want to find a place where no one can touch me, not my abusive father, not my dead cousin, not girls I love and lose, no one.But I can't do any of those things, none of those things will happen. So what have I resorted to doing? I've resorted to trying my best to deal with your existence without exploding or killing myself.
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 9:17pm
Do not tell me that it was a lie, when I've never lied to you, not once,you did make me choose, to me you said, its your choice not mine but either way I will respect your decision,but you didn't. Riley, if it is my very existance that you have to deal with, then let me simply not exsist,I can't make you happy even if i want to, you can't see I won't show you, you won't listen and I won't tell.Just say it, you don't want me in your life any more,I did not make a fool of you and you know that for a fact, Hans had feelings for me before you even met me, you made Hans look like a fool and made me look like a bitch.Caroline Hannah J-mo all were so pissed when they found out I liked youand I choose hans because riley you just pressured me so hard to like him I felt backed into a corner and just ranI was the fool, you had your arms around victoria and thirty minutes later you were holding my hand, and I was pissed, I still don't feel wrong about that. I mean i felt used and lied too I basically was.I'm ok with the fact that you don't want to forgive me, or even that you won't even trust me again, im not ok with it, but if you need me too I will be..I'm so sorry Riley, you don't have to forgive me,but I am sorry, and I always will be untill you and I are ok..,
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 9:39pm
I didn't force you to make a decision, you presented me with the decision, and I told you I couldn't decide, you had to. I'm not going to argue anymore about what really happened, it's stupid. I'm not going to apologize for something I know I didn't do, I'm sorry you felt that way however. What I will apologize for, however, is that I am the way I am. I know I'm a really touchy-feely guy, I get that, and I know it's wrong, but that's just how I am, and I'm sorry you aparantly didn't understand that as well as I thought you did, I really am. The day before, Hannah came up to me and told me to leave you alone, that you were emotionally confused, and that if I hurt you, she would kill me. And, while I'm sure it doesn't matter to you now, I'll tell you what my exact response to her was:"I know I'm a manwhore, but I know damn well what I'm doing. I value what they think more than anything, and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure nothing will happen to them on my or anyone else's behalf. You just don't understand her, there's more to it than an emotionally confused girl, it's quite the opposite, she's someone who sees what's happening around her so clearly that it's driving her insane, and I can't help but feel an attatchent to want to help her and be there for her as much as I possibly can, so just believe me when I say, no harm will befall her."I wanted to protect you. She wasn't the only one either, others made similar comments, I took your side on all of them. I sincerely wanted to keep you safe, and if you feel I failed that in anyway, then I am sincerely sorry. In fact, I feel I failed that as well, because I clearly didn't understand your turmoil as well as I thought I did, and while yes, you could have told me, it isn't your fault, as it was my job to find out and I didn't.So is it your very existence I have to deal with? yes, it is, because you being there everyday reminds me everyday that I'm an idiot and I can't handle my own affairs and that people can't rely on me for anything, nor can I even rely on myself. Not only that, but I have to live with the knowledge that I had a chance, and everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong, and I didn't do anything to stop it.So yell at me all you want, at this point it doesn't matter to me any more.I am defeatedI am humiliatedI am curled up in a ball of hatred and shadows of everything I've lost in this, and at this point I just really don't want to be hurt anymore. For the most part, I've gotten over the ordeal, but even the smallest prick leaves a mark...
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 9:48pm
I'll just ask you to stop.I may be wrong here but I wasn't yelling, and I told you over and over that I dont want to hurt you and I don't want you to be sad and every single word you've said to me has just made me cry harder and harder, I hate it so much that you can talk like you know me so well and that in this one conversation I really really hate myself. I'm just sorry I wasn't good enough... If you're over then I'll leave you alone, because I can't make you feel better when it's me thats made you feel worse.you do blame me for what I did, you are mad, you aren't going to forgive me and you don't want to be my friend any more..I.. I don't even know what to do anymore..I am emotionaly confused, but not for the reasons that any of you thinknone of you have known me for long and I feel completely alone.I'm not close to anyone but caroline and I just want to go home and pretend all these terrible things didn't happen but I like it here, because I like the people here,and I I just wish that it was different.but it isn't...
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 10:03pm
okay.umm... well, for what it's worth, I apologize for trying to know you, to protect you, to love you when it was unwelcome... I will never understand what happened here, except that you got hurt, I got screwed, and in the end no one was happy. All I ever wanted was to love you, and I still do, I did back when you pierced my gaze and cared, and I've fucked all that up now. I'm sorry. I'm literally on my hands and knees apologizing to you. Yes, I was hurt, but in all this I forgot that It's you I cared about more than stupid misunderstandings or whatever. I'm sorry. I really really am. You told me more than you ever should of, and I did the same in return, the series of bad decisions on both parts that followed messed everything up and... well... I regret it.You remember when I said that I take the meaning of words very seriously, and I never say anythiing absolute without being extremely serious. I'm being absolute now: I am extremely stubborn when it comes to being wrong, and there are people who would KILL to hear this from me, but I never gave in because I usually care more about my pride and being right than I do about whatever their side of the story is, but here it is now: I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for everything thats happened here, I know i don't know you but I wish I did, more than anything. There will never be anything more than friendship between us, but all I'm aiming for at this point is to be able to trust you again, and the reverse. By all rights I should be pissed as hell at you, and probably you at me, but I'm willing to give up whatever dignity I have left to attempt to fix this, because well, since I can't love you, I care about you, deeply and relentlessly.
Nikki Rae
October 22 at 10:26pm
It.. it wasn't unwelcome just dangerously unexpected, I didn't know that the world would toss Riley Vogle into my life to try and fix all the broken and scar the hell out of me... but in this conversation I've taken that I made you look like a fool and that you're royally pissed at me and that I was wrong and that you still care but you can't love me and it's all a little to confusing..you don't know me and you never loved me.. you loved what you think I am or what you thought I could be.. I wish I could be that personbut I am nothing more than what I am. and I stand here arms wide open, and all I ask is that you give me that second chance that I never will deserve..I won't be at tech tomorrow because seeing you would kill me and I can't do it. I can't handle it right now, because there is just to much happening to me all at once and it is confusing and scary and I just want to find a cliff and jump off because as much as I want to I can't trust anyone, because things like this happen and I have to watch my own heart break right in front of me, and I may not be perfect, I may not even be decent but I don't deserve that kind of pain over something stupid,I am asking you now, not to just let it all go because it happened for a reason and for as long as we are friends whether that only lasts a week or whether it last till you graduate or whether it lasts till one of us dies this past week will always be part of our history and our friendship together. no what I am asking you is to take that dive with me into a fresh start because I had no idea what I was losing when I choose Hans, because I had no idea you actually cared, because I wasn't gratefull to have someone like you in my life, because I'm an idiot, but mostly because I really do love you.. part of me always will.
Riley Vogel
October 22 at 10:56pm
awwww. lawlzsweetie, what I loved wasn't what I knew you were or what I thought you were, what I loved laid completely in what you shot into me when your eyes connected with mine, and that was all I needed. I didn't want you to be anything but you, and could never want anything else.HA and the reason I can't love you isn't because I'm inable, it's because with all this Hans business it would just be awkward LOLI will never try to just drop what happened, hell, it was hard enough for me just to bypass it, but I'm just glad to not have to be angry with you. If it makes you feel any better, while I don't know you like I should, you do know me, down to my core. or at least you should after everything I've told you lol, but seriously, I do trust you and what I felt was more surprise than anything. I won't lie, I was upset you chose Hans, but what really upset me was that you decided to just do it, like I didn't exist. I would have thought that, me trusting you as I did, you would have talked to me and explained what you planned to do, so I would have understood, instead of having to hear from other people that you're all of a sudden going out with Hans.Anywho, thats all in the relevent past now, and I am more than willing to try a new slate, and start all over again.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Alright so...
yesterday (monday) I went to my friend Alex's youth group (catholic) after I got home from rehearsal. It was kind of interesting. It was "Open Mic Night" which basically meant that whatever we wanted to talk about, we talked about. So, the argument eventually turned to politics and the Presidential race. Alex is my best friend. We have known eachother since 1st grade and have never fought since. But we argue. Constantly. We are complete opposites. He is Hardcore conservative, I am a hardcore liberal. He loves to fight, I'm a pacifist. He loves hispanic food, I love Italian. He's Catholic, I'm Leveyan. Everything we could possibly argue about, we do. So there we are, dominating the rest of the room, arguing with eachother, when the leader (his name is Kevin) says, "You two are best friends, aren't you?" It was hysterical. Anywho, so I'm still distraught about this chick that attempted (and almost succeeded) at tearing my heart open. Not because I want her or anything, but the fact that we were such good friends that had so much in common, and now I can't even bring myself to look her in the eye. I want... I don't know what I want, just not this. I'm so furious with her, yet I want her to come begging on her hands and knees, I couldn't even tell you why... I dunno, just some thoughts for the day...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Homecoming
allow me to exfoliate my feelings towards the homecoming dance: I hate it. With a fiery passion within my soul. Its not that I hate it because I don't like dancing, but the reverse, I hate it because I LOVE dancing, and am frankly disgusted by "grinding," which is all that takes place at our dances now. However, I really like dancing with friends and whoever I might have a crush on (which varies rapidly) so I always end up spending the $20 in order to dress up and rub my crotch against others. This year, I'm taking my homeschooled friend Catie because she needs a date in order to come, and I'm a good friend, and this year this girl from local high school Blake is coming, Megan, and I'm working up a little crush (EXTREMELY little mind you) on her, so I figure that ought to make for a fun night. =]
so, since the first post, shit's gone down son
so the day after my first post, me and Girl B hung out, and we ended up holding hands and stuff (nothing beyond just holding) but I was excited out of my mind. The next day her and my best friend started going out. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SO, as you can see, I WAS PISSED. I've gotten over it by now, but thats just because I've learned how to deal with this kind of shit. So anyways, I feel led on, Hardcore, and I'm not happy about it. Or rather, I wasn't happy about it, until last night, when I went to my friends sweet sixteen (which was amazing.) At her sweet sixteen I sort of mixed and mingled and wound up with a date to homecoming (who knew?) So I'm in a much better mood considering a couple days ago I had my heart abruptly broken. As for Girl A, I talked it over with her and it's all cool now. So I think everything will work out =]
Much Love
Riley J.
Much Love
Riley J.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
AAAH
So I have a problem. My problem is that I'm romantically involved with a girl, but day by day I'm finding I like someone else more and more. Right now I'm at the point where I feel like she's my soul mate. I still like the girl I'm "with" (which we're not technically going out due to parental issues) but I'm falling head first in LOVE with this other girl. I don't want to hurt anyone, but being with Girl B (names are clearly not being disclosed) just seems so right, and i want it SO BADLY.
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